Sunday, September 28, 2014

Smell the roses

Before (when I still could work like 'normal' people), I happened to tell myself that I would be able to smell the roses when this or that job would be finished. But that never happened because each mission, project, or work morphed into more missions, more projects and more work. There never came an end to it, but there always came an end to me (my spirits, my strength, my enthusiasm, etc.). Before, even if I had been confronted with employers who screamed (yes, they exist - I am a magnet for unpleasant employers), I never feared to leave and take on another job. I was strong, I could do it.

Now it's different. I haven't healed completely from the burn-out because of the mobbing. Mobbing leaves very deep, invisible scars. It is known for pushing people to suicide. I am not at all a suicidal person but my photosensitivity somehow excludes me from the outer world... I don't know if it is related. My doctor sticks to "fibro can provoke all sorts of strange affections".

please love me...
I always felt obliged to do better than good. It is my philosophy to do my best, but I needed the encouragement. The thanks you's, the compliments. I think that I still do. Who doesn't? But... being an expat, high potential and highly sensitive are all part of the explosive equation. For example: I always wanted to be accepted in a group (I never was) even if I didn't fit in at all (I never did - HP and HS nearly fit in nowhere). I wish that my parents had known how horrible it was but they were not HP and didn't (maybe couldn't) have the slightest notion about it. I continued as I could. Searched for "aproval" and worked for 2. This got me into trouble, because there is no better victim for a mobber. I have noticed that most women who have fibromyalgia have this in common: we want to be 'good girls' so much and one day, we break. Hypersensitivity is not something which can be changed, it is something we learn the hard way that we are like this, and then need to learn to cope with. I am wondering if fibro is a result of years of crazy multitasking without breathing correctly.

To compensate the big reduction of my income and to keep myself from going insane, I needed to find a solution and the only solution is to work for myself, in a secure and light-free or light-under-control place: my home.

Writing a book about Diamond Weave with no other boss than my own self, at a self-imposed pace brought new insight: smelling the roses is not a question of having time - I had all the time before, but didn't smell them. It's a state of mind, a lifestyle, something I have to learn. I nearly overworked myself again, of course, but this time I am the boss who is shouting at my computer (Windows "Hate" is frankly horrible) and I got to the point where 'I had to talk with my boss'. Yes, the problem is me. Meditation imposed itself. It slowly sets me free. I can't blame anybody else for the amount of work, the timing, planning, mistakes, stress, etc... Nobody else but me.

I conclude that to enjoy life, we need to work hard at something that is ours, something we love and enjoy, push our own limits and then have those moments of peaceful breaks - moments where you are satisfied with yourself... every day! Even if compliments are really great, not a million of them will replace that special feeling.

Working so hard at something that I love so much brought me a back on the path to the roses.

I have discovered that peaceful, timeless place somewhere inside of me. It is like having found the way back home after having been lost during forever. I didn't expect this and am grateful. Now the challenge is to find the right balance between work and roses. It is not easy to access that place inside. I need to improve the quality of my meditation. Not just scratch the surface and get a glimpse. I also need to do more exercice. Luckily I have a wonderful physio who helps me well, and I exercise in the warm pool once a week. But that is not enough.

I have discovered a series of seasonal Qi Gong exercices on this website and  made the promise to myself to do them very regularly during the coming 4 seasons, like a ceremonial. One year. To do myself the favour of being better for myself.
To stop and look at the sacredness of everything and softly celebrate it. A state of bliss I want to experience more often. It will need a bit of discipline.

Did I say that I love my 'job'? I do!